You arrived back at work after a long languid holiday with low blood pressure, but high residual alcohol levels and a chilled and composed attitude. Three days later, palpitations, dizzy spells and diarrhoea! How come? The email monster had struck!
To me: Hi Mr Huber. Your client Nedbank (not actually our client at all) said they were very interested in taking a DPS/FC (double page spread in full colour) in our annual 'Top 100 Plumbers of SA'. Print order is 2,500 and cost R90,000. Please send order, CI and cheque asap. Space is limited, and...
Response: Thank you, but Nedbank is not our client. My name is, btw, HARRY H-E-R-B-E-R.
To me: No problem Hairy, who then is your client? Does this mean Nedbank aren't coming in? You appear confused if you don't mind me saying so.
Response: We have many clients. Contact switchboard. Contact Nedbank. Don't contact me.
To me: So then are you going to contact Nedbank or should I? I have arranged a material extension for you, and also a very good position - opposite the provocative article "Toilet of the Future: Flushing Good!" Get it? Get it?
Response: We DON'T deal with Nedbank. F off! You are now starting to irritate me.
To me: Hairy, are you hinting for a discount? Subtle! I'm afraid though I can't give you one, because I have already given you the best position, which usually carries a loading. When can I expect material by the way? You know, your name is very familiar. Did you attend Modern Methods Secretarial School in the good old days? My Mom went there, but had to drop out because, how shall I put it? It was the era of 'Free Love!' Heck, maybe we are related! Get it? Get it?
Response: What is wrong with you?? We don't want any ads, discount or special positions. There is no material forthcoming. Is this clear?
And I never slept with your mother. It is against my principles to do so with anyone who could spawn offspring with a single digit IQ.
To me: Wow, 'spawn'. That's a R100 word. I love it when people use big words. Once, I said: "You can immortalise the cost over many years." And everyone looked confused, and laughed. They clearly don't have our command of the English language. I've been thinking, once the ad has appeared, we should go for lunch. Maybe my Mom can join us. Her new teeth look great.
Response: A simultaneous tonsillectomy and root canal treatment, with no anaesthetic would be preferable to lunch.
To me: So, you like Italian, Hairy? I do. Only thing I haven't quite mastered eating spaghetti with only a fork and spoon. I still cut it up small. My sales manager by the way is really happy with the booking. We'd like to make an appointment to pop in and take you through ALL of our specialised trade annuals. I know you'll find them as interesting as we do. You know, you're never too old to learn. And you may pick up a thing or two from us. Go Bafana Bafana!
If there's one thing life has taught me to date, it's that at all times one has to remain flexible. To zig when others zag. So clearly a change in tact was now necessary:
Response: I'd love to meet with you guys! As you say, it's time for this old dog to learn a couple of new tricks. And, by the way, I feel it would only be right that I pick up the tab for lunch. Can I book us a venue for the presentation? Or should I fly down to see you guys?
To me: The surf is great down here at the mo! Also, do you know anyone in TV? I think sometimes. I mean, I think sometimes that I'd be very good at TV sales. Whadya think? By the way, your material never arrived so we had to go to print. Unfortunately, my sales manager has insisted we bill you for the insertion as we have everything in writing. But I really don't want this to affect our lunch...
